Reflections on 25

“25 is going to suck…”

You’re 26 today. Your longtime Internet friend, Brian, was absolutely right in his prediction. 25 was a pretty bad year for you by most people’s definition of success. You spent 100% of it living at home with your parents with no steady income. You fell out of touch with a lot of your friends. And you spent a good portion of it feeling mildly depressed, which was a new emotional hurdle you’ve never had to personally struggle with.

Originally this was going to be a similar post to last year, a chronological stream of consciousness work that you wrote all in one sitting. But it doesn’t feel right to do that again. You’re a different person now than you were last year, and you’ll continue to change in the years to come.

I just want to hit the highlights of this year and expand on what you learned. Let’s get started.

Work is good for the mind

There’s no getting around this. If all of your basic needs are met, then you should still work towards something to prevent your mind from essentially wasting away. With no bills to pay and food provided by your parents, a perfect breeding ground for depression is set. Without struggling towards something, anything, you will become weak-willed and soft-minded.

And it’s interesting how you personally decided to alleviate the problem. I imagine that most people try to avoid thoughts of sadness and loneliness through distraction. In your case, it’s video games. There’s nothing like playing video games for hours on end to help you forget how shitty you feel. And that’s exactly what ended up happening. Over time, more and more of your day was consumed with just playing more video games.

But the major problem is that you didn’t earn that relaxation time. So once you’ve left your self-induced escapist trance, you have this feeling of guilt that just stays with you. You tell yourself you’ll do some work tomorrow to make up for not doing any today, but tomorrow never comes and the cycles just feeds into itself. The guilt from playing video games all day makes you feel bad, and then to escape those feelings you play more video games. This is what people mean when they talk about how hard it is to overcome depression.

And keep in mind that you’re only diagnosing yourself with mild depression. It’s not like this is something you’ve struggled with for years like others you know, but it was enough of a weight on your shoulders that it was noticeable. Your parents remarked one day that you’ve changed, that you’re no longer the cheerful person you used to be most of the time.

And they’re right. Something changed inside you this year. You lost enjoyment and pleasure in a lot of things. Food. Music. Conversation. Even people. Nothing was appealing to you except for the video games, but even those started to lose their luster over time. The days blur together because they’re filled with the same solitary routine. This is a slow process that creeped up on you over many months. You eventually overcome it, but I don’t think it’s left you completely. Depression has made its mark on you and who knows how long it will take before that scar fades.

Lasik Surgery is amazing

Winter rolls around and you get Lasik done. It’s not cheap, but your parents are paying for it and it means no more glasses/contacts for decades. You’ll pay them back someday when you have the money, but for now it’s a glorious gift given by your gracious parents who continually sacrifice for you. You’re not really one to throw around hashtags (unless you’re being ironic) but #blessed is pretty applicable here, no sarcasm intended.

Going from roughly -6.00 in both eyes to better than 20/20 vision (you’re currently 20/15) is akin to being reborn. I can’t even describe the magnitude of the difference it makes. Your vision and your hands are the most important tools you have, even more so as a knowledge worker in this technological age, so try and treat them kindly as you get older.

The other major thing of note is how quickly humans adapt. Within 8 weeks after getting the surgery done, you had already forgotten the hardships of living with poor vision for roughly 15 years. Keep this in mind the next time you’re reluctant to dive into something new for fear of it being too difficult. You will quickly adapt and push the boundaries of what you thought you were capable of. Continue to strive forward even if the path ahead looks difficult.

Relationships are built slowly and crumble quickly

Two major falling outs happened this year to you personally, and another happened between two close friends.

The first big one was with your sister. In short, it was the culmination of years of miscommunication and apathy on your part. The argument happened over text, which is by far one of the worst, if not the worst, mediums to hold any sort of important discussion. This is the second time in your life that you’ve let an argument happen this way and both times have ended disastrously for all parties involved. Continue to try and avoid this scenario at all costs, even if the other person is goading you into it.

The second big falling out was with a relatively new group of friends. You all had built a fairly solid relationship over the past few months and this group had quickly started becoming your closest circle. Unfortunately, after one tragic day, you said and did things out of anger in a less than sober state that had some very long lasting consequences. In mere minutes you’d destroyed many months.

Both of these relationships will be somewhat repaired later in the year, but things will never be the same going forward. There is a shadow that looms and darkens all future experiences, a shadow that will linger for a time. Hopefully one day it will dissipate through effort on both sides.

These half-redemptions are quite different than the third falling out that happened between your other friends. In a similar fashion, words and actions done in the heat of the moment destroyed years of friendship between the two. And since both parties have poor conflict resolution skills, that relationship was never recovered. Maybe it had been broken far beyond repair and they had finally just reached the tipping point; it’s hard to talk about the intricacies without being in the thick of it and only seeing the straw that broke the camel’s back.

And I think it goes without saying, but if any of the involved are reading this, please keep in mind this is my perspective of how events happened, so it’s not the full story (or even entirely accurate) by any means. But I’ve thought for many months on what could have gone differently, what I could have done to prevent these terrible things from happening, and what the best course of action to take going forward is. It’s easy to sit back and analyze in hindsight, but practicing what you preach is a much harder endeavor.

I don’t write about these things to embarrass any of you and I hope you aren’t upset. I’m writing them down because they impacted my life in a major way and will continue to do so for years to come. I’ve learned valuable lessons through all of you and I am grateful for that. I can only hope that you’ve done the same, no matter how strong or weak our relationships become in the future.

The US will never appreciate the Renaissance Man

The Renaissance Man has been one of your longest running goals. This is something that conflicts heavily with capitalism, where specialization is encouraged to an extremely high degree. And if you’re not constantly improving in whatever area you have chosen to try and carve out a career, then chances are that you’re in for a rough time.

So what if you enjoy writing or learning the ins and outs about personal finance or making music? None of these are directly related to your main profession of software development so any time spent doing those activities is time not spent perfecting the single craft that puts bread on the table. I believe that is how most people would view these activities, as “hobbies.”

But the hobbies are important. They allow your mind to think with different frames of reference. They allow you to explore areas that are vastly different than the ones you are familiar with, which in turn allows you to bring a fresh way of thinking to a subject. With these new modes of thought applied in unconventional ways you not only broaden your own horizons but can end up creating something a master would never even think to attempt.

The big new creative project for you this year was your podcast. While you’ve had to put it on pause for over 6 months now, you do want to revisit it at some point. To be frank, it honestly wasn’t very good by your own standards, but most things created by beginners never are. It will probably take many years for it to become satisfactory in your eyes, but don’t let that deter you.

“Dude, suckin’ at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.”
- Jake the Dog

So continue to pursue these hobbies, these side projects, whatever you want to call them. You will glean knowledge from them that will be useful in other areas of life. And you can’t say thanks enough for the people who’ve listened and given you feedback so you can improve. Make the podcast great one day for all of them.

Job hunting is still terrible and will probably always be terrible

If there is one thing you absolutely despise in your industry, it’s the job hunt. Interviews can be passed or failed on the most arbitrary of reasons that have little to no correlation of how well you will succeed in a role. But let’s leave it at that not delve into the details.

What was actually great for you this year is the part-time freelance project you’ve been working on with an old Sapient coworker. It reminds you of why you got into web development in the first place. It’s engaging and fun and it’s a goal to strive towards. You’re looking forward to finishing it, but you also don’t really want it to end. If I had to point to a single thing that saved you from that depression this year, it would have to be this.

You also searched for a full-time position on and off throughout the year. The first big position you were actually looking forward to getting would have been with Sapient in their London office. Your friend Brian (not the one from the beginning) helped you along, putting in a good word for you the entire time.

Ultimately, you didn’t get the position because they ended up hiring someone else while you were still in their interview process. I don’t think there was anything you could have personally done here. They dragged their feet getting back to you the entire way as you were left waiting and willing to tackle any challenge they sent your way. So for the arbitrary reason of lethargy on their part, you didn’t get a position you were qualified for. Such is life.

The second big position that actually panned out is with Dassault Systemes in Long Beach, CA. Their interview process was surprisingly decent and let you shine by discussing past projects and building a rapport with the interviewers. The position sounds interesting and Long Beach seems like a nice city. You’re gonna have fun and grow there. You leave in two days with your old college buddy Kyle on a cross-country road trip.

You’re feeling nervous and excited and a little sad about leaving behind Atlanta. It’s been home for close to 8 years now, Georgia being home for over 20. You’ve outgrown this place and it’s time to make a big change. A fresh start.

“…but after that, you’re gonna be set for life.”
- Brian Jung

So yeah, this year was pretty bad for you. But it got better at the end. You’re optimistic about starting over in a new city with a new job. You’re already wistful about leaving behind your Atlanta friends. And your family too. You’ve all done a good job this year of being more open with your problems and issues, and it feels like you’re becoming closer.

And finally, a big thanks to the people who kept me going through this year. Juliana, Daniel, Mansi, Brian, Brian (you two really need nicknames), Dad and Mom. You all helped me directly and indirectly in countless ways, whether it was through hours of thoughtful discussion or just the small experiences that left lasting impressions on me.

The (Accidental) Alcoholic's Guide to Introspective Pattern Recognition and Meta Analysis

So I’ve been thinking about introspection lately. And that’s not to say that I’ve been doing more of it myself (I’m constantly doing it and I think I would go crazy if I were to try and do it anymore than I do already), but I’ve been thinking about the act of introspection itself.

The thoughts of pattern recognition and meta analysis of the Self came to me as I advised a friend about trying a new drug for the first time. While I initially had very little reservations about their Gung-ho attitude, after I slept on it I had some concerns which I felt they needed to hear.

These concerns were about their personality and how they’ve reacted negatively to other drugs in the past. Now I realize that I’m not them, but I’ve done the drug in question a few times so I know what to expect, and due to my aforementioned introspective nature, I’ve thought heavily about my experiences.

And maybe I’m out of line here, but I just can’t bring myself to say that I think everyone does the same thing. I can think of only one person off the top of my head that I personally know who’s objectively critical about themselves, and that’s pretty dismal to say the least (and I am aware that the plural of anecdote isn’t data, blah blah blah). It seems to me that most people just aren’t able to make the abstractions necessary and see the patterns of their lives.

An example for me personally is alcohol. I know to a pretty high degree how I will feel after one drink, after two, after five, and so on. I can assess my situation and environment before I start drinking (and make updates while I drink) and then stick to my “optimal amount of drinks at this moment” without deviating from that. I’m very disciplined about my drinking.

But time and time again, I see people and friends who drink too much. And it’s not my own personal definition of drinking too much, but their own, because they literally tell me “I drank too much!”, followed by copious amounts of regret shortly thereafter.

And we’re all humans here. We make mistakes sometimes. That’s how we learn and grow. But when it’s the same mistake repeatedly, I can’t help but wonder if you’re even paying attention to yourself. To your life.

Why does it seem like so many people are unable to see the patterns that lead them to undesired consequences? You’ve drank before. You’ve drank too much before. Do some self assessment and stop before you reach the tipping point?

“But this time was different, I forgot I hadn’t eaten all day!”

Really? I would consider myself as someone who hates food when compared to the average millennial. I can eat the same thing multiple days in a row, I never spend more than 5 seconds planning my next meal, and I sure as hell don’t take any pictures of my food on a regular basis. I even replaced half of my meals with Soylent for a few months because I would rather chug a tasteless liquid than to worry about what my next meal is. Sadly I’ve had to stop in recent months because when you’re living at home with a mother who won’t stop trying to feed you every two hours no matter how many times you ask her to stop cooking so much damn food, you give in and place your mom’s feelings over your own health just so you don’t have to have an argument with her every day over something as basic as food.

Do I sound ungrateful? If you were to replace a mother who pushes food on you with a government who mandates that you smoke a cigarette every two hours, do I still sound ungrateful? I realize that’s a bit of an extreme metaphor, but I hope you get my point (and I hope you also know that I think my mom is still an amazing person, despite our vastly different views on food).

Where am I going with all of this? As someone who barely cares about food, I still remember to take into account how much I’ve eaten when I’m drinking. I just don’t buy the argument that you forgot when I know you constantly make plans around food, anticipate those plans for hours if not days, and then document those plans as they’re happening for Instagram. Your actions don’t line up with what you’re trying to claim.

“I lost count of how many drinks I had.”

I don’t think I’ve ever counted how many drinks I’ve had. I’ve seen people write tally marks on their arm to keep track, and I think that’s a good idea, but it’s something that I’ve never done personally. Drinking has a mix of objective, physical effects on the body alongside subjective, emotional effects on your state of consciousness, so while being able to count the actual number of drinks you’ve had is good data to know, it’s not enough on its own to help you navigate the night.

Pay attention to how you’re feeling at different points in the night. Pay attention to how that 4th drink affected you. Just pay attention. A large component of drinking is pacing. Five drinks in five hours is barely a buzz. Five drinks in two hours is a different story. You don’t have to keep track down to the minute, but PAY ATTENTION.

“I forgot I took that extra shot.”

If you’re at this point, then you’ve already set yourself up to fail. If your memory and inhibitions are so far gone that you’re unable to recall large parts of the night, then just accept that you drank too much and had a good time doing so. Don’t regret it and don’t beat yourself up about it the next day. Sure you’re going to have a terrible hangover, but that’s the price you pay. Accept it and do it again with full knowledge of what’s to come, or decide it’s not worth it and don’t get to that point again. Either way take some responsibility for your actions.

I don’t know how a post that was supposed to be about introspective pattern recognition and meta analysis turned into a crash course on how to not become an alcoholic, but I’m cool with it.

Notice the patterns in your life. Think about what it means for your life if those patterns continue. Make better decisions.

First LSD Experience

A quick note here: I originally wrote this in June of 2015. A friend of mine hosted it on his blog but I’m rehosting it now on my own since his blog is now gone.

Background

I’ve wanted to try LSD for a long time now. It was never an intense feeling, but it was something that I had thought about doing for at least the past few years. Recently I learned that I had very easy access to getting my hands on some, so naturally this experience that I had wanted to try “sometime before I die” jumped to the top of my priority list.

I’ve recently gotten into podcasts, and one of the ones I’ve been listening to is The Tim Ferris Show. He had a guest come on and read his essay about drugs and the meaning of life, which you can read (or listen) to at his website. I highly recommend listening/reading to this essay, regardless of whether or not you want to try LSD. It covers and challenges a lot of the preconceptions and stereotypes that are generally forced upon you throughout your life, and might even make you reconsider some of the other drugs that you already imbibe without a second thought. In the essay, neuroscientist Sam Harris says that if his daughters “don’t try a psychedelic like psilocybin or LSD at least once in their adult lives, I will wonder whether they had missed one of the most important rites of passage a human being can experience.”

And with that powerful statement, I was dead set on trying LSD ASAP.

The Morning

I wake up around 10am. I have a tentative idea of what I want to do for the day, but I’m also aware that like most drugs, I could potentially just say “fuck it” and do whatever comes naturally in the moment. The only thing that I know for sure is that I will not be driving anywhere, so I need to make sure that I have food available for the day. I make a quick run to Jimmy John’s so that I’ll have food for lunch, and I already made plans to get picked up by a friend for dinner around 6pm.

I take out the tab of LSD from the little plastic baggy that contains it and place it under my tongue. It’s 11:40am. I fire up Hearthstone to kill some time and wait for the drug to kick in. I hold off on eating my sandwich.

30 minutes after taking

Nothing really happens for a while. I play a few games of Hearthstone. But then I start to notice that I don’t feel quite like my normal self. My head feels lighter than normal, a familiar feeling that I’ve had when I’m high on weed. A smile starts to form over my face as everything seems more cheery than normal I start laughing out loud and unwrap my sandwich.

And then my mom calls.

Somehow, my mom just knew her son was trying a potentially life altering drug, and she just had to be there with me. I’m trying to decide if I should answer or not. I do, and my mom reminds of an upcoming wedding the next weekend that we had talked about going to a few weeks back. I try and end the call as fast as possible since my mom likes to ramble on about things, so I try to act busy and am a little more curt than usual trying to get off the phone before she realizes something’s up. Sorry mom!

At this point, I’m actually glad she called right then and not later. I’m now assured that I won’t be bothered by my family for the rest of the day. I dig into my sandwich.

1 Hour After Taking

By this point, I’m feeling really good. The world is shimmering and everything is wavy. I’m amused at how similar my current perception fit a movie’s depiction of what it’s like to see from the perspective of someone on LSD. I’m listening to Django Django as I continue to eat my sandwich, and I remember it tasting way better than usual. On the flip side, I start to become very aware of my body, and I can strangely feel every bite as it travels down my esophagus and into my stomach. It’s a bit strange, but I was forewarned not to eat too much at once so I pace myself.

I can feel all of my senses heightening. Everything starts to become intense, but in a good way. It’s like I’m experiencing everything on another level, which is pretty cool. I would liken it to a baby discovering its senses just after being born. I need to calibrate and relearn how to interpret my world with my new senses.

After I finish my sandwich, I decide that it’s time for a walk. I start looking through my music and decide on Passion Pit’s “Kindred” as the first album I want to listen to.

The First Walk

I’m currently living in a house in the suburbs, so luckily there’s a decent amount of nature around me to enjoy. And I enjoy the hell out of it. I’m looking at all of the trees and grass and bushes and flowers, and everything is looking great in the sunlight. A gorgeous day for a walk made even brighter by my current visual perception. Things are bursting with colors.

I walk up the path I usually drive down when I get home in the evenings because it’s a curvy road with a lot of trees lining it. It sort of looks like that picture of a garden tunnel with everything overgrown with greenery.

I pass a graveyard on the way there, which might have been a bit depressing under normal circumstances. But I laugh as I walk by, enjoying the scene and the upbeat sounds of Passion Pit.

I get to the overgrown tunnel and it’s just as visually stimulating as I hoped it would be. I stop at the railroad tracks that cut through the road and stare at the nearby concrete wall that is slightly painted with graffiti. I see the face of a samurai and study it for a while since I love graffiti.

As I stood there, I get a text from one of my old high school buddies, asking about my current housing situation. At this point, I’m tripping way too hard to discuss anything remotely serious with anyone. This friend usually calls, so I’m thankful that he texted this time because it would be easier to put off until I’m in a better state of mind. I tell him that we should have that conversation in a few hours and he responds with an ok. Crisis averted, time to get back to my wonderful moment.

I remain where I am for a bit as a powerful wave of emotion rushes over me. I’m so overcome at the current scene that I actually start to cry. I message a few friends and tell them that I’m currently laughing and crying at how beautiful and sad the juxtaposition of nature and man was as this railroad crossing. After a few minutes I turn around and head back home.

A small side note, I get home and decide that I want to watch a particular Adventure Time episode, “The Food Chain”. That episode is trippy enough sober, and it was insane on LSD. You can apparently watch the episode here, and I would highly recommend doing so if you have 10 minutes to spare.

The Shower

I start getting ready to shower. I’d heard that this was something I should do while tripping, so I was pretty excited. And let me tell you, it did not disappoint. A couple of factors were at play here. I usually don’t shower with my contact lens since I rub my eyes a lot when I shower which leads to them moving around and coming out, but since I had my contacts in for a few hours already I felt fairly safe leaving them in. The other factor is that my shower is not like most showers. The bathroom is wood paneled.

So as you can see, there are some interesting “figures” (I spent 10min googling trying to find out what they were actually called instead of just saying “wood markings”, you’re welcome) in the wood paneling. I’m just gonna say that combined with the ever-present waves in my vision, I saw quite a few faces staring back at me as I showered.

Slightly unsettled but mostly amused, I go through my normal shower routine. I can hear Tycho playing faintly upstairs and I’m so ready to have a wonderful experience. I close my eyes, work shampoo into my hair, rinse it out. I do the same with my conditioner, but by the time I reopened my eyes after getting all of it rinsed out, I felt like I had lived an entire lifetime. Time was moving very differently for me. It’s simultaneously short and long. A lot seems to happen in seemingly nothing, and then a large expanse of time will pass where it feels like nothing seems to happen. I get out of the shower and get dressed while occasionally laughing at my reflection in the mirror.

The Second Walk

After I was dressed, I looked out the window and noticed that the world was wet.

As I showered, the world showered with me.

You have no idea how happy this made me. I was literally ecstatic that it rained only while I was showering. I fired up Kishi Bashi’s album “Lighght” for my listening enjoyment and rushed back outside for another walk.

I took a different path this time, but it’s still the suburbs so there’s still a nice mix of nature around me. Everything is nice and wonderful until I walk past this older man. He’s outside checking his mail or something, and as I approach him I start walking over to the other side of the street because I’m a bit anxious that he might be able to tell that I’m on LSD, even with my sunglasses on. I walk by him in the middle of street, give a customary head nod and grunt out a “hey” as men tend to do, and walk on.

But as I walk away, I realize that he had been smoking something. A cigarette. At this moment, I felt very offended by what this man had just done to me. I thought to myself about how even though I’m over here out of my mind tripping balls, I didn’t force him to take my drug like he had just forced me to take his.

Now of course, I’ve obviously heard about second-hand smoke and I’m well aware of how terrible tobacco is for you. But the experience was very visceral and raw in that moment. I vowed to never have another cigarette in my life and to not be around people when they choose to do so.

The only other major thing to note during this walk was the tree I saw. I’m standing on the sidewalk near an intersection and I notice this tree with purplish leaves. I’m enchanted.

But I’m a little nervous about some of my neighbors watching me and noticing that some guy is just standing outside on the sidewalk and staring very intently at a tree. I quickly quell that rising fear by reassuring myself that it’s my right as a citizen to stand and stare at a tree if I damn well please.

So I did.

I stood there and stayed for the entire duration of “In Fantasia”. After that, I headed back home with nothing really interesting to report on the walk back. But when I did finally get back, it started pouring rain about 10 minutes later. I remember feeling very fortunate that the universe had granted me these amazing experiences of sun and rain exactly when it was my desire to walk or return home.

A Friend Picks Me Up

I kill a few hours inside, not really doing much. The strongest part of the high is over. I start to meditate, but can’t really keep focused so I give up and just jam to more music for a bit. I make my way into the living room and my roommate and his girlfriend are there, so we just chill for a while, playing music on a speaker. I sit near the door and divide my attention between watching the rain and my roommate’s girlfriend hula hoop.

Around 6 my friend picks me up so we can go get dinner. I’m not really hungry at this point but I am enjoying the car ride immensely and tell her that she can just stop and eat wherever. We drive around for a bit. She gets fast food and we park and just talk as she enjoys her meal. Sunshowers leave rain droplets on the windshield as I watch the gorgeous sunset.

We start heading back after a while and I get really emotional. Seeing the sunset as one of favorite songs plays was so overwhelming, especially as the events of Mother’s Day a week earlier bought themselves to the forefront of my consciousness. I cried as I recalled how the entire family was fighting on a day that we should have been celebrating. I don’t really want to get into a lot of detail here, but lately my family has been working out a lot of the issues we’ve buried over the years. I think that overall it’s going to be a good thing, but as we try to go through it a lot of tears have fallen and a lot of arguments have been had.

This experience was a pretty big deal for me as I reflect back on it. It’s one of the few times I’ve cried in front of someone who isn’t a part of my immediate family. It’s a level of comfort I don’t share with many people in my life. I don’t know if I would have been able to if it was someone I didn’t know as well. But I’m really happy that I was able to be myself in that moment without feeling like I would be judged. I felt safe.

I focus my mind back to happier thoughts, and by the time she drops me off it’s around 8pm.

8 Hours After Taking

I admittedly don’t do much for the next hour. One of my other friends wanted to see me while I was tripping so we talked for a bit and she came over. While I waited for her to arrive, I watched a few episodes of Adventure Time. I still have this lightheadedness going on, but my visuals have more or less returned to normal by this point. The head high keeps me in a state of introspection and openness, and I find myself thinking about loftier thoughts than I normally would. I would say it’s similar to a marijuana high at this point, but not entirely the same. It’s hard to describe.

9 Hours After Taking

And speaking of marijuana, that’s what my friend does. She smokes, we watch more Adventure Time and just talk on the couch. I would normally join her, but the high I have from the LSD is still going on so I decide that I wouldn’t partake today. I tell her about my day and go into some of the stuff from this post. I can’t recall anything specific that we talked about since I’m writing this about a month later and I only took notes until about 5pm.

A Friend Leaves

She leaves after a while since it’s Sunday and we both have work tomorrow. I get on my desktop and just kill some time, waiting for the LSD to finally wear off. I talk to some friends online through Mumble (a VoIP client, similar to Skype/Hangouts but without video) and relate my experiences to them as I did with my other friends. I play some video games and just snack on whatever I can find since I’m finally hungry. I watch some TV, read some of my book, and try to go to sleep.

But I can’t. LSD keeps you up for a while, and at this point I’m kind of annoyed that I can’t fall asleep. I play soothing music and set a timer for it to turn off after 30min, but I stay awake through it all. I don’t fall asleep until around 3am.

Lessons Learned

So what did I gain from all of this? Quite a lot actually. I learned how it felt to be new to the world again, recalibrating myself with newfound senses as a baby would. I felt the delight a child feels when experiencing something an adult would consider mundane because they’ve done it so many times prior. I realized that the vast majority of adults are unhappy with their lives because they are forced into situations where they are unable to enjoy the simple pleasures in life.

While I was tripping, I became aware of the fact that I was not myself. Whoever I was before, whoever I thought I identified as, whoever I thought I knew, was somewhere else. All of his hopes and dreams and fears were neatly packaged away in another part of my mind. A place that I knew that I could return to safely once my journey was over. I felt a huge sense of freedom when I realized this. And truthfully, it was nice to get away from myself for a short time.

I also learned that there is a duality to many things in life. Happiness carries some degree of sadness within. Expression of thought can never truly capture all aspects of the moment. And binary is something that rarely occurs outside of computers. Humans aren’t good at black and white because it’s rarely that clear in life. There are many facets to an experience, an idea, an issue. We have to embrace that fact instead of trying to categorize.

On a more practical level, I learned that it’s unwise to take LSD when you don’t have the following day to recover. Tripping on a Sunday wasn’t a great idea because I had work the next day. I went in on Monday, exhausted from not being able to sleep until 3am, drained from not eating enough, and a little down coming off the high from the day before. It was probably one of the worst case of the Mondays that I can recall. So going forward, I will probably trip on Saturdays so I can have Sunday to sleep in, relax and recover.

As for long term effects, I can assure you that they exist psychologically. It’s been over a month now and I’ve done an immense amount of soul searching in that time. An interesting thing to note here is that while I was actually on the drug, I didn’t care to think about my own problems and future to any large degree. Maybe it was because it was my first time and I was still adjusting, but my thoughts tended to gravitate towards the human condition and problems we face as a society. Conversely, in the weeks since my trip I’ve focused more on my own aspirations and desires. I’ve been mulling over what I want to accomplish and what I want to get out of life. I’m still deciding and will probably keep reevaluating for the rest of my life, but I feel like LSD has made me think about these things more than I normally would have. Or at least through a different lens.

Would I recommend this experience to someone? Yes, but not lightly. I would say there are a few conditions that you should try and objectively evaluate about you as a person.

1. If you’re prone to any sort of psychological illness then maybe you shouldn’t try it. LSD tends to amplify anything that you’re thinking/feeling, so a bad trip is entirely possible your first time. That being said, it makes everything feel good and wonderful for the most part, so maybe those depressing thoughts wouldn’t even surface. It’s hard to say. My trip was pretty much 100% uplifting, but there were a few moments where I could see myself starting to head down a bad path. I actively focused my mind away from those thoughts and onto better things, so there was never any part of the trip where things were bad. Even when I was crying I felt good.

2. If you aren’t interested in trying it, then you probably shouldn’t. I decided years ago that I wanted to at least try it once in my life, but I’ve also decided that I would probably try every drug at least once in my life. I would say having some sort of passing interest is important, and ideally it’s more than that. My passing interest was upgraded to a must try from the podcast I mentioned at the beginning, and I think it’s what helped me really enjoy my first time.

3. What’s your reason for trying LSD? Mine was to explore my own consciousness and mind and see if I could learn something about myself. Some people like to take drugs for the effects they have on your body, and while LSD does have very uplifting effects and fun visuals, those weren’t the main draw for me. I wanted deep introspection into my self and LSD is an easy way to help facilitate that. Of course I didn’t really get to do any meditation since my attention span was shot, but towards the end of the experience I found myself able to focus a lot more as I melded back into reality.

In closing, I came out of the experience a very changed person. Better or worse? I would say neither. But different. And as a good friend reminded me, “Every experience is life-changing on some level. You just pay attention to some more than others. LSD isn’t some magical life-altering substance, it’s just an experience that you dwell on and turn into an influential part of your life.” And I think that’s the truth of it.