Holiday Ambivalence

So it's the holidays once again. I'm always... ambivalent this time of year. On one hand, I know that these aren't my holidays. Christian holidays that I don't identify with, but still participate in to some degree. With greed and gluttony all around me, I put on a smile and feign interest. On the other hand, I try to look past all of this. I try to look past my own hypocrisy and make the best of the situation. I appreciate that people have good intentions and good will towards others, even if it's possibly for the wrong reasons.

I've done summer classes or study abroad every year since leaving high school. Last December I was in Panama with my friend for life, Daniel. It's been two years since I've been home for any good amount of time, and I don't like it. Does this make me a bad person? All I see over Facebook is how grateful everyone is for their family and friends and what they have, and I feel as though I should be doing the same.

But I'm not.

Don't get me wrong, I fully appreciate what my family has done for me, especially my parents. I can't even begin to imagine the sacrifices they've made in their lives just so their children could have the life they never could.However, I don't hold either of my sisters in such high regard; I don't know if this makes me a bad brother. One is too headstrong and thinks she knows everything there is to know about the world, and the other still acts like she's 12 and seems utterly clueless as to how to be independent.

Being away from my family for so long has shown me that I've grown into a person that doesn't fit into my family anymore. Or maybe I never did in the first place and was just unaware. Either way, it's been a rude awaking to come to this realization. And it's weird to think that I don't want to be around these people for any length of time, because growing up I never had these thoughts. It was very apparent to me then (and now) that family is always going to be there for you when others won't.

Now how am I supposed to feel about this? The people who I don't necessarily enjoy being around are the ones who will be there for me when times are tough. The people who I enjoy being around might be there for me, but it's not guaranteed except for a certain few. I know of two people for certain I could count on in this world outside of my family. I'm just going to count myself lucky that there are many others who are starting to reach this status in my life.

It's funny how I can only see the bad from my family even though I would consider myself one who sees the good in everyone.